Sharknado 5, Or Why Starting A Movie Website Was A Bad Idea

 

Wow, umm, I don’t really know how to start this. I never expected to have to think about a Sharknado movie. How about I just get my true feelings out there?

I’m sorry, I should be more reasonable.

I’ll be perfectly honest and admit that I just don’t understand the phenomenon behind watching bad movies for entertainment. Sure, there are bad movies I enjoy, but I didn’t seek them out because of their quality, and I also don’t plan to watch them in advance. If the 1998 Godzilla happens to be on tv, I’ll probably watch it, but that’s about it.

The way I see it, there are too many good things that I haven’t seen yet for me to be wasting my time on things I already know are bad. I don’t mean to alienate anyone who gets enjoyment from films like this, in fact more power to you. I’ve also heard that it’s a group experience, which I’ve only been a part of for Rocky Horror Picture Show, so I suppose it makes some sense.

Anyways, let me try to suppress my gag reflex as we talk about Sharknado 5: Global Swarming.

No. No way. I just can’t do this. I can’t even take this review seriously. All 5 of these Sharknado films are just pure garbage.

The one thing that something like The Room has over these offensive dumpster fires is that I believe Tommy Wiseau and co. truly thought they were making something good. Most people who work on a movie have to believe they’re making a good movie, or else it wouldn’t be easy to finish it.

From the very beginning, Sharknado was made TO BE BAD. That isn’t fun, it’s a schlocky cash-in on a more than willing audience who doesn’t really care, and they don’t have to either. No one is going to argue that a Sharknado film has ever (or will ever) be made for me, and that’s fine. Not everything is made for me. Not everything is made for you. But things should be made with the intention of making something worthwhile.

Chris Kattan plays the British Prime Minister. Geraldo Rivera is a kooky blimp pilot for approximately 10 seconds.

Fabio. Is. The. Pope.

The only part that made me even smile a little bit is the obligatory pro wrestler cameo, and current Lucha Underground champ Johnny Mundo (or John Morrison to WWE fans) shows up for two scenes.

This needs to stop, but it won’t. The film ends with a stupid Back To The Future reference and an obvious sting for next year’s Sharknado film. There isn’t even an attempt at a conclusion.

This isn’t a movie, it’s a 90 minute episode of a shitty mini-series.

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming: 0/10

Nick Potter

Co-founder of The Filmsmiths. Degree in Broadcast & Cinematic Arts with a minor in Cinema Studies from Central Michigan University. Pretty much the barbecue sauce of people but I'm doing my best.

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